Cricket: As explained to a foreigner...
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that`s in the side that`s in goes out, and when he`s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he`s out. When they are all out, the side that`s out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too close!
Tim and Joe finished their weekly round of golf with Tim pulling out his typical victory, although not by the customary wide margin. Even though the match was unusually close, Joe seemed more upset than usual by the outcome.
"Talk about the worst luck in the world," grumbled Joe as they headed into the locker room. "I just can`t seem to buy a darn break."
"Why are you being so hard on yourself?" asked Tim. You played great all week. Heck, you almost actually won."
"That`s what`s so aggravating," yelled Joe….I cheated like crazy and I still lost!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Borrowing!
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson`s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won`t get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you`d be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I`m awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "as a matter of fact, I`ll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won`t be using your golf clubs, do you mind if I borrow them?"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Golf club!
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he`d noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don`t know," the pro replied.
"What game are you playing?"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lessons from a pro
Three aspiring golfers were taking lessons from a pro. The first guy hit the ball far to the right. "That was due to LOFT," said the pro.
The second man hit his ball far to the left. "That, too, was due to LOFT," said the pro again.
The third golfer took a swing, and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. "Once again, it`s LOFT," the pro claimed.
"Well, what exactly do you mean by LOFT?" asked the third golfer.
"Lack of fine talent," replied the pro.
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stress syndrome...
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it`s a very frustrating game, but I love it".
The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn`t see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity.
The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing.
The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first golfer said "Sure!".
They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!". The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best man!
A college senior took his new girlfriend to Super Bowl XXXV. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action.
A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That`s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The amazing golf ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It`s a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I`m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heavy baggage !
A wealthy American tourist checks into an Irish hotel. Upon his arrival the tiny reception area becomes filled with not only suitcases, but golf clubs, golf shoes, golf umbrellas and several boxes of golf balls.
"Surely now, sir," cried the manager eyeing the baggage with alarm, "there must be some mistake. We`ve no golf course you see and you`ll be finding there`s not one within miles of the place."
"Well now, that`s no problem," replied the tourist. "I`m having one sent over with my heavy baggage."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plush green fairway !
One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water. Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety near the water.
So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.
About six months later, a woman at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn`t seen her playing golf at the club for almost four months now.
She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A unique golf ball !
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don`t you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won`t lose it so I don`t need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That`s okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I`ll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That`s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I`ll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let`s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I`ll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
Golf expert ?
Tom was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.
Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend.Tom set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.
Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a finfour-e-performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Tom announced that he would never play again.
"What!" cried his distraught mates.
"What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game.""Not everything," Tom replied. "The books didn`t tell me I`d have to walk.
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holy one!
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I ve been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I`ve hit my first holy one!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yankess fan ...
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. Theteacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn`t you raise your hand?"
"Because I`m not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked,asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I m a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don`t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I`d be a Yankees fan."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tree hazard !
A young man who was an avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed. When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot-there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.
He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, "When I was your age, I`d hit the ball right over that tree."
Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not far from where it originally lay.
"Of course," the elderly man continued, "when I was your age, that pine tree was only a meter tall."
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