MEDICAL JOKES 6

                                         
                Terrible news !

A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"

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                 Latex factory
  
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he`s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: `Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!`
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the `hiss, hiss,` is, but what`s that `pop!` every so often?"
"Oh, it`s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can`t be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it`s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


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            Nymphomaniac !

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac (a woman who likes to have sex very often, esp. with lots of different men)."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That`s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"



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              Prostrate problem !

A man walks into his doctors office and is sitting in the waiting room waiting his turn to be seen by his doctor. A casual aquaintance sits down next to him and sturring asks "W w wahat are y y you d d doing hhhere?"
The man replies "I`m waiting to see the doctor."
"W w why d do yyyou wwant to sssee him?"
The man replies, "Well if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A ppprostate pppproblem, wwwhat`s ttthhat?" the man asks.
"Well, if you must know, I pee like you talk."



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              Helping God!!

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the wating room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh no, it`s his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I`m worried about him mentally."
The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"
The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he`s peeing in the fridge again.



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             Suicide foiled!

1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin."
2nd man: "Oh really, what happened?"
1st man: "After the first two, I felt better."




            The opinion!

A guy walks into the vet`s office with a hamster. He lays the hamster on the table and the doctor says, "I`m sorry, sir, but your hamster is dead."
"I want a second opinion!" the man demands.
So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "Well the cat says your hamster is dead," says the doctor.
"Well I want a third opinion." So the doctor brings in a Labrador retriever. The lab walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "The lab says your hamster is dead."
"OK, fine. What do I owe you?"
"$650" the doctor said.
"What?!? What for?"
"Well, you owe me $50, but the other $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test."



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                  Orders!

Doctor: "I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?"
Patient:" I was just following your orders, doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.



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           Hard of hearing!
 

A man told his doctor, "I don`t think my wife`s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn`t respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, "What`s for dinner, honey?"
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what`s for dinner tonight?"


"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID CHICKEN, You`d better get your hearing checked!"




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                The nuts! 

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ``Up nuts!``
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ``Down nuts!`` And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ``Cheer nuts!`` And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ``Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ``PEANUTS!``






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            The problem of stress!

Patient: "Doctor, you must help me. I`m under such a lot of stress that I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem".


Patient: "I JUST DID, DIDN`T I....YOU STUPID MORON!!!"





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         The gulping chief!

When the tribal chief was suffering from constipation, one of his men goes to a doctor.
Knowing little English he says, `Big Chief!...... No shit!!`
The doctor prescribes the medicines for 3 days, which the man gives to his chief. The chief hoping for a faster cure takes all the medicines in one gulp.
After some time the man runs back to the doctor and says `Big shit!......No Chief!!



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  My doctor is better than your doctor!

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors.
The first one said, "I don`t trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you`ll die of a kidney ailment."



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            Effects of drinking!
 
Doctor: "It`s no good. I can`t find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I`ll come back when you`re sober then!"



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              Doctor on call!

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don`t panic, I`m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."





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               Hospitalised

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn`t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. `What`s that?` she demanded.
`If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,` said one of the interns, `just press that button.` `What does it do, ring a bell?` she asked.
No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,` the intern replied.
`A light in the hall?` responded Grandma. `Look, I`m the sick one around here.
If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.`





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               House call!

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he`d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can`t get my instrument bag open."





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               Skeleton!!!

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.I hadn`t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained,
"I`m delivering him to my doctor`s office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady,"he said, "but I Think It`s *too* late!"





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