SANTA BANTA 2

Who's fastest!
Santa's son and two of his friends were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.
He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can bowl a 90-kmph fast ball and run and catch it just after it crosses the wickets at striker's end!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot a bullet from his gun and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the bullrt hits the bulls eye!"
Santa's son said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 5:00 he gets home at 4:00!"



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Government's jawai (son-in-law)!
Banta is a Government Employee. One day, out of boredom, he decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!"
He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
OOPS! He's back in his office again.




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Installing poles!
A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day.
The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.
The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed.
The reply was eleven.
The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad."
Then he went to Santa, leader of the second group, and asked him the same question.
Two was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
"Yeah," Santa answered, "But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"



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Who's who
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street.
It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
"Is this where Banta lives?" one of the drunks asked.
"Yes, it is," the woman replied.
"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?"



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Specimen!!!
Santa came home from work to find his lovely bride, Jeeto, sitting in the living room still in her bath robe.
"Jeeto darling" he says "what's the matter, you are still in your robe."
"Ah Dear," says Jeeto, "I was not feeling well. I didn't know what to do so I called Doctor Khurana. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. I don't know what a specimen is."
"Oh! I don't know either. Why don't you go up stairs to Mrs Banta and ask her, may be she'll be able to tell you."
Off goes Jeeto bounding up the stairs.
Soon Santa hears a horrible thump, bang and a loud crash. Opening his door, he sees Jeeto piled up at the bottom of the landing.
"Jeeto, what happened?"
"I told Preeto what the doctor said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her purse . . . and the fight was on.



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Toilet brush!
Banta and his colleagues were at work one day when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought tickets, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
His colleague who won the first prize got six month's supply of Cadbury's chocolates.
Second prize winner got three month's supply of Cadbury's chocolates.
Banta won the tenth prize - a toilet brush.
About a week later, at the office canteen, the first prize winner asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said the the seond prize winner, "I love chocolates"
"So do I," said the first prize winner. "And how's the toilet brush?" he asked Banta
"Not so good," Banta said, "I think I'll go back to paper."




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Nice cheeks!
Santa's wife, Jeeto, got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, Santa offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night Jeeto and Santa were watching TV when she broke down crying.
"What's the matter?" Santa asked.
Jeeto said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Santa hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
To which Santa replied, "You don't need to repay me... you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."



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Urine test!
Banta had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass.
In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Banta put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."



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Refilling!!!
There were these two not so bright guys, Santa and Banta, who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car so they decided to buy a camel.
The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left.
They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink.
Santa says, "I have a idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw."
Banta thought about this for a while and finally agreed.
After a while Santa asks, "Well is it working?"
Banta replied, "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."




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Speeding!!!
Banta was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Maruti, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory.
His friend said, "Sure."
So Banta tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend, "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 kmph. Banta was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Honda came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Maruti forgot all about Banta and his bicycle and took to drag racing the Honda.
A little further down the road sat Officer Santa in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 100 kmph.
He called into headquarters on his radio, "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Honda and a Maruti racing out here on Highway 22, and there's a guy on a cycle ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!




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Mystery-lover!
Banta, a mystery-lover take his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.
Banta calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery,and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this show. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.
Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket near the ticket window and snatches it up.
Returning to Santa in the back of the theater, he whispers, "follow me."
The usher leads him down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
"Thanks so much," says Banta, "This seat is perfect."
He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."



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Chronic disease!
An army Major visiting the sick army men, went to one soldier and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed where Santa was lying and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"



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Chocolate peanuts!
Santa visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and Santa realizes that he absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.
"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."




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Alternate sport!
Santa and Banta met at the club for their weekly golf game.
And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Banta: Well, Santa, what do you want to do now?
Santa: Badminton?
Banta: Nah.
Santa: Shoot some pool?
Banta: Nah.
Santa: Cards?
Banta: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife, Preeto.
Santa: What do you mean?
Banta: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.
Santa: What about me?
Banta: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Santa: Well... if you think it's okay...

At Banta's house
Banta: Preeto, I'm home. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell you what, Santa, Let's go to your house!




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Hired to worry!
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous Banta who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," Banta said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," Banta said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," Banta said, "is your first worry."




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Special offer!
Santa goes into the dentist's office to get a bad tooth pulled. As he opens his mouth and the dentist is about to drill, he asks how long the procedure will take.

"You'll be out of here before you know it, and won't feel a thing - the local will last 10 minutes."
"And how much is this costing?" Santa asks.
"Rs 500" the dentist states plainly.
"Geesh," Santa grumbled, "it's a crime to be able to hold a man captive for five minutes and charge him Rs 500!"
"Then for you, I'll give you a special!" the dentist said, and Santa's face looked pleasantly relieved.
"I'll take 15 minutes to do the extraction."



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Santa's new car
Santa had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Santa to pull over.
When Santa did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Santa, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to Santa's car and cut up his leather seats.
When he turned around, Santa had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at Santa, he has a smile on his face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now Santa's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on her car and sets it on fired.
He turns around and Santa is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
Santa replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"





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SANTA BANTA 1

                                         Banta's faith

Banta was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.
In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, Banta cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally Banta yelled, "Is anybody up there? "
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who said that?"
"It's the God."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."
"Help me!"
"Just let go."
Looking around, Banta became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"



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                                      Play at night!

A foursome, including Banta, goes out on the course, only to find themselves waiting on every hole for the most inept golfers they've ever seen, who are playing in front of them.
After a few holes, they start yelling them, but that doesn't seem to speed their game up. By the time they've finished their round, they're so pissed off that they go straight to the golf pro to complain.
"Guys," he tells them, "those fellow you've been screaming at and taunting for the last three hours are blind".
"You're telling us," one of the irate foursome says.
"No, I meant it," the pro says, they're really blind. They're trying to overcome their handicap by participating in sports."
Now embarrassed, the first of the foursome says to the pro, "When they come in, fix them up with new golfers shoes, and put it on my tab."
The second guy adds, "And give them each a new set of club covers and put on my tab."
The third one chimes in, "Listen let them pick out a new golf shirt and put it on my tab."
They all stand there waiting for Banta to contribute something.
Noticing their stares, he says, "What? Fuck'em. Let'em play at night.



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                                    Vacuum cleaner!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by Banta, carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning", said Banta. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, Banta wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."




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                                 Santa's closet!

Santa came home earlier than usual, when his wife, Jeeto's lover was still in the apartment. She hid her lover in a closet, and served dinner. As they ate, something rustled in the closet.
"What's that?" Santa husband asked.
"Nothing, darling. Just jackets."
After a while, they again heard some noise in the closet.
"What the hell is that?"
"I'm telling you, just jackets."
A few minutes later, the noise sounded once more.
"I'll check it," Santa said. "You'll regret it if it's not jackets."
Santa yanked the closet's door open. Inside, he saw a man who held a pistol. Santa quietly closed the door, and said, "Indeed, jackets, darling."




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                                     Thumb wipe!

Banta was driving down the street looking for a place to stop so he could go to the bathroom. He stopped at a bar and went inside.
"Bartender! Where is the bathroom, I really need to go?!" he asked.
The bartender pointed him to the bathroom. So Banta went to the bathroom and looked over to the side. There was no toilet paper!
"Oh no!"
He looked over again and saw a sign that said: If out of toilet paper use your thumb and ask the bartender for a "thumb wipe".
"Bartender!" he said.
"What can I do for you?" asked the bartender.
"Um.. there was no toilet paper and I need a thumb wipe.
"Oh," said the bartender. "Put your thumb on the bar."
"On the bar?"
The bartender replied, "Yes, on the bar."
So Banta put his thumb on the bar and the bartender pulled out a hammer and slammed it hard on the Banta's thumb.
Banta's instant reaction was to put his thumb in his mouth.



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                                Overweight dog

Santa took his dog to the vet for its annual check-up.
"Your dog is overweight," the vet said. "You should cut back on his food a little and make sure he gets some exercise. Try playing fetch with him."
"That's impossible," Santa replied. "I can't play fetch with my dog."
"Why not?" asked the puzzled vet.
"Because," Santa said, "he can't throw."



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                                      Who's fastest!

Santa's son and two of his friends were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.
He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can bowl a 90-kmph fast ball and run and catch it just after it crosses the wickets at striker's end!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot a bullet from his gun and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the bullrt hits the bulls eye!"
Santa's son said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 5:00 he gets home at 4:00!"



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                                     Wrong number!

The worried Preeto sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said Preeto, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman. I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call Ashok at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"Ashok?" said Preeto. "Who's Ashok?"
"Why, Ashok! Your husband!....Is this 2369125?
"No, this is 2369135."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and Preeto said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"




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                                  Quick thinking!

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident.
Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta, "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank God that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."
Santa, "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!




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                               Who's the boss?

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his village.
To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met Banta and Preeto, who were outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am," replied Banta. "Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said.
"Which one would you like?"
Banta thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."
"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted Preeto.
The farmer shook his head and remarked to Banta, "Here's your chicken."




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                                   Smart Santa

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
Santa, the bartender, shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said Santa, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you`d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you`d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you`ll find the money for the beer."
Santa got it.
"You`ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men`s room?"
"Out the door," said Santa, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there`s one in a filling station on the corner."



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                                                              Helping hand!!!

Santa was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
Santa, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then realized that there`s nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly.
Santa looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn`t come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. Santa, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Santa, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize that Santa was crying and wasn`t drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, that`s the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"




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                                       Bouquet of roses

Banta was very much in love with a beautiful girl.
One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. Banta told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening Banta called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since Banta was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
Poor Banta never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.



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