COMPUTER JOKES 4

Top 10 Signs that You`ve Overdosed on The World Wide Web

Your opening line is: "So, what`s your homepage address?"

You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.

You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.

You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.

You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn`t Do Anything" again and again and again.

Your dog has his own webpage.

So does your hamster.

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

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            Real Life & Commands

5 minutes ago you were travelling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance. You wish there was UNDO in life!

You are already late, and your key is missing. You wish there was FIND TOOL in life!

You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business. You wish there was REBUILD ALL in life!

The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end. You wish there was ZOOM & VIEW FULL SCREEN in life! IF NOT FOR "Replace"!

One day you realize that you are turning bald. You wish there was CUT & PASTE in life!

After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch. You wish there was an EVALUATION PERIOD or at least a sample down load or a DEMO version !

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            True Software Professional!!

Husband is a Software Professional!!

Husband : Good evening dear, I am now logged in.

Wife : Have you brought the ring?

Husband : Bad command or File name.

Wife : But I told in the mornin.......

Husband : Erroneous Syntax, Abort?

Wife : What about your salary?

Husband : File in use.

Wife : What about my new saree?

Husband : Variable not found.

Wife : At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation, Access Denied.

Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters.

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.

Husband : It is by default.

Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ?

Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.

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        Laloo Prasad & Bill Gates

The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.

Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.

Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.

Gates : At home have u installed Windows?

Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.

Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?

Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.

Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.

Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.

Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.

Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?

Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.

Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.

Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..

Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.

Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.

Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.

Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.

Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."

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          Computer engineer!

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering.

The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."

The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."

The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!"

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Five reasons computers must be female...

5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you".

1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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           Itemized billing!

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is!".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly, again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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COMPUTER JOKES 3

General Motors vs. Microsoft...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates` comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the samesize bottom.
8. The airbag system would ask ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car`s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car,buyers would have to learn driving all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You`d press the "start" button to shut off the engine.



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What computer acronyms really stand for:
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers




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Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!
LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.







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IT Conversation :
Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."
Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife???: But I told you in the morning!
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife???: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife???: You are useless.
Husband: It`s by Default.
Wife???: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try later.
Wife???: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus

MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro.




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Computer communication lingo! !
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is a computer`s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.




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Tech Support!!
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."


Tech Support: "OK Bob, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don`t have a `P`."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I`m not going to do that!"


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Customer: "So that`ll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that`s the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."




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Software ADs on Doordarshan!
"The man , The Machine, The Software - PeopleSoft VII"

Boy - "I am a PB boy"
Girl - "I am a PB gal"
"Badte bacho ke liye complete software - Powerbuilder"

"Eat bugs, Sleep bugs.....Do only debugs"

Internet Programmer - "I got the ASP power , now u go get it!!!"

"Microsoft office - Nothing official about it !!!"

" Software ki raksha karta hein Norton Anti virus.... Software hai jaha, Norton Antivirus hein vaha..."

Project Manager - I want the code today....
Programmer - 2 minutes
"Programmer ka kaam kare asaan, Duniya bhar me hai iski shaan...VB....VB.....VB"

Progect Manager - "Power objects is the secret of my programs"
Programmers - "Our programs"

Husband - Thak gaya hoon mein
Wife gives him instant coffee and says
To create instant miracle....Use Oracle !




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COMPUTER JOKES 2

Computerized plane!
The world`s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.
The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world`s first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."





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Technical fault
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is!"




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Correct but useless
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You`re in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft`s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."




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Extremely efficient!
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two engineers, he said, `At Wipro, we are trained to be extremely thorough.`
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, `At TCS, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.`
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, `At INFY we don`t pee on our hands.`



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Technically correct!!!
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.
The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"




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Troubling end!
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"




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Ad Space!
Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "Illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.





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Buying E-beg.com
A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard.
Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign any mind. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.
Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and to the word "Beg," he adds ".com."
From around the corner, two venture capitalists appear, tripping over themselves to be the first to hand him a quarter of a million dollars.
Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better. Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg."
Immediately, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy him out.





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COMPUTER JOKES

Globalization
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
That, my friends, is Globalization!!




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Mass Mail
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man.'

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium





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Super Computer
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."




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Email Heights
HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.




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Types of Girls
Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.




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Error Messages
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




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