SANTA BANTA 1

                                         Banta's faith

Banta was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.
In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, Banta cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally Banta yelled, "Is anybody up there? "
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who said that?"
"It's the God."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."
"Help me!"
"Just let go."
Looking around, Banta became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                      Play at night!

A foursome, including Banta, goes out on the course, only to find themselves waiting on every hole for the most inept golfers they've ever seen, who are playing in front of them.
After a few holes, they start yelling them, but that doesn't seem to speed their game up. By the time they've finished their round, they're so pissed off that they go straight to the golf pro to complain.
"Guys," he tells them, "those fellow you've been screaming at and taunting for the last three hours are blind".
"You're telling us," one of the irate foursome says.
"No, I meant it," the pro says, they're really blind. They're trying to overcome their handicap by participating in sports."
Now embarrassed, the first of the foursome says to the pro, "When they come in, fix them up with new golfers shoes, and put it on my tab."
The second guy adds, "And give them each a new set of club covers and put on my tab."
The third one chimes in, "Listen let them pick out a new golf shirt and put it on my tab."
They all stand there waiting for Banta to contribute something.
Noticing their stares, he says, "What? Fuck'em. Let'em play at night.



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                    Vacuum cleaner!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by Banta, carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning", said Banta. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, Banta wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                 Santa's closet!

Santa came home earlier than usual, when his wife, Jeeto's lover was still in the apartment. She hid her lover in a closet, and served dinner. As they ate, something rustled in the closet.
"What's that?" Santa husband asked.
"Nothing, darling. Just jackets."
After a while, they again heard some noise in the closet.
"What the hell is that?"
"I'm telling you, just jackets."
A few minutes later, the noise sounded once more.
"I'll check it," Santa said. "You'll regret it if it's not jackets."
Santa yanked the closet's door open. Inside, he saw a man who held a pistol. Santa quietly closed the door, and said, "Indeed, jackets, darling."




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                     Thumb wipe!

Banta was driving down the street looking for a place to stop so he could go to the bathroom. He stopped at a bar and went inside.
"Bartender! Where is the bathroom, I really need to go?!" he asked.
The bartender pointed him to the bathroom. So Banta went to the bathroom and looked over to the side. There was no toilet paper!
"Oh no!"
He looked over again and saw a sign that said: If out of toilet paper use your thumb and ask the bartender for a "thumb wipe".
"Bartender!" he said.
"What can I do for you?" asked the bartender.
"Um.. there was no toilet paper and I need a thumb wipe.
"Oh," said the bartender. "Put your thumb on the bar."
"On the bar?"
The bartender replied, "Yes, on the bar."
So Banta put his thumb on the bar and the bartender pulled out a hammer and slammed it hard on the Banta's thumb.
Banta's instant reaction was to put his thumb in his mouth.



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                Overweight dog

Santa took his dog to the vet for its annual check-up.
"Your dog is overweight," the vet said. "You should cut back on his food a little and make sure he gets some exercise. Try playing fetch with him."
"That's impossible," Santa replied. "I can't play fetch with my dog."
"Why not?" asked the puzzled vet.
"Because," Santa said, "he can't throw."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                      Who's fastest!

Santa's son and two of his friends were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.
He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can bowl a 90-kmph fast ball and run and catch it just after it crosses the wickets at striker's end!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot a bullet from his gun and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the bullrt hits the bulls eye!"
Santa's son said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 5:00 he gets home at 4:00!"



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




                                     Wrong number!

The worried Preeto sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said Preeto, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman. I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call Ashok at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"Ashok?" said Preeto. "Who's Ashok?"
"Why, Ashok! Your husband!....Is this 2369125?
"No, this is 2369135."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and Preeto said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                  Quick thinking!

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident.
Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta, "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank God that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."
Santa, "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                               Who's the boss?

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his village.
To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met Banta and Preeto, who were outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am," replied Banta. "Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said.
"Which one would you like?"
Banta thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."
"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted Preeto.
The farmer shook his head and remarked to Banta, "Here's your chicken."




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                   Smart Santa

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
Santa, the bartender, shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said Santa, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you`d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you`d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you`ll find the money for the beer."
Santa got it.
"You`ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men`s room?"
"Out the door," said Santa, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there`s one in a filling station on the corner."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                                              Helping hand!!!

Santa was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
Santa, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then realized that there`s nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly.
Santa looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn`t come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. Santa, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Santa, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize that Santa was crying and wasn`t drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, that`s the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                       Bouquet of roses

Banta was very much in love with a beautiful girl.
One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. Banta told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening Banta called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since Banta was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
Poor Banta never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~