Smart painter
Santa was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.
"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank-you, here`s an extra Five hundred rupees to take the Mrs out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the painter had forgotten something Santa asked, "What`s the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I`m just here to take your Mrs out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too improved
Banta, "Preeto and I are going to get a divorce".
Santa was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, Preeto has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." Santa probed.
"Nah, I`m not bitter. Now that I`m so improved, she just isn`t good enough for me."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman`s ears!
Banta lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Mumbai, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, " Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman`s ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man`s or a woman`s."
"You`re wrong, I hear everything, but I don`t understand a thing!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa complains
Santa heard his son reciting his homework:
"Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...`" "Shut up !" shouted furoius Santa. "Watch your language! You`re not allowed to use the swearwords".
"But, Dad," replied the boy, "that`s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Santa went right into the classroom to complain.
"Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That`s not what I taught them. They`re supposed to say, `Two plus two, the sum of which is four.` "
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 years ago...
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked Banta as he set the Banta`s broken leg.
"Well, doctor, 15 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 15 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I`d gone to bed, the farmer`s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I`m sure," I said.
"Isn`t there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," Banta explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legal marriage!!!
Banta and his fiance, Preeto, arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn`t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out that they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
Banta and Preeto rushed back to the clerk`s office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk ... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Banta: "That`s funny - that`s just what the clerk called you."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CBI`s Recruitment!
The CBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.
The guy puts the gun down and says "I can`t do it..."
The third guy, Our Santa comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.
The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. Santa comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.
The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"
"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lost ball!
Santa and Banta head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.
Santa says to Banta, `Let`s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot Rs 500 on the lowest score for the day.`
Banta agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Banta is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Santa.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Banta pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
"I`ve found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Santa looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we`ve been friends, you`d cheat me on golf for a measly five hundred?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!", Santa says with amazement. `I`ll have you know I`ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!`"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
English girl!!
Banta`s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
Preeto answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
Banta laughs and says, "An English girl !!!
Preeto kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for, the English girl?!"
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa facing Lee
In a Test between India and Australia, the fiery Bret Lee was sending quivers down the Indian spine. The new batsman, our Santa, walked slowly to the crease, not feeling unlike a lamb at the slaughter house.
As Lee thundered in, suddenly Santa stood up in the crease, and signalled that he wanted the sight screen adjusted. Adjustments were made and Brett Lee was ready to come in again.
Once again, in the middle of his run-up, Santa found something disturbing in the sight screen. Indeed, this went on a few times before the irritated umpire, Steve Bucknor walked up to the batsman and enquired, "Where do you want the sight screen, for God`s sake?"
Santa asked, with an ounce of fear, "Could I have it between Lee and me?"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gastric problem!
Banta was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he`d been seeing for some time.
He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the coffee, Banta realised he couldn`t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"Boxer!" called out the young woman`s mother to the family dog, lying at Banta`s feet.
Relieved at the dog`s having been blamed, Banta let another, slightly larger one go.
"BOXER!" she called out sharply.
"I`ve got it made," thought Banta to himself, "one more and I`ll feel fine."
So he let loose a really big one.
"BOXER!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Landing problem!!
Santa and Banta were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After a while, just drinking gets boring, so Santa looks at the Banta and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
Banta says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let`s go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk Santa starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by.
Santa says, "Let`s land here. It looks like it`s as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up
"Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?"
But since it`s the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, Santa says to Banta, "All right, I`m going to try ONE more time, and if I can`t land it we`re just going to crash and hope we don`t die."
So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, Santa swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway.
"I`m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"
Banta looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drive Slow!!
Santa lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the Inspector`s and said, "You`ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the Inspector.
"I don`t care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the local workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Santa called the Inspector and said, "You`ve got to do something about these drivers. The `school crossing` sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, he sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So Santa called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
Inspector told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Santa do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, after that he got no more calls from Santa.
Three weeks after Santa`s last call, the Inspector decided to call him.
"How`s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I`ve got to go. I`m very busy." And he hung up the phone. The Inspector thought to himself, "I`d better go to that farmer`s house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So hedrove out to Santa`s house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banta`s flight
On reaching his plane seat Banta is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness Banta tries the parrot`s approach, "I`ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I`ll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to Banta and says "For someone who can`t fly, you complain too much!"
Be Silent!!
Santa gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as he boarded the plane, a Boeing737, he started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
He sort of forgets where he is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at Santa and the angry Pilot.
Santa stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old ghost!
Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Banta screamed, "Look at the window. There`s an old ghost`s face here!"
Santa sped up, but the old man`s face stayed in the window. Banta rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Santa, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
Santa said, "I don`t know what happened, but don`t worry; the speedometer says we`re doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Banta yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
Banta threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He`s back!"
Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No comments:
Post a Comment