MEDICAL JOKES

Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'




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How to Charge?
Optometrist An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'

If his eyes don't flutter, say... 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add... 'Each.'




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Alzheimer's or AIDS ?
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.




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Medical Opinions
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong."





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Woman's Ears !
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"




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Smart Doctor
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."



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Two Assholes
Two Proctologists were at a medical conference in a resort in outback Australia. They decided to enjoy the local highlights from the back of a camel for $ A 20.

The owner warned them that the camel was highly trained to do the rounds of the town, stop briefly at the highlights, then return them to the start of the ride. Under no circumstances, he warned them, were they to get off the camel, otherwise it would return to it's home to eat grass.

After some time there was no sign of the camel or doctors and people in queue for the ride were complaining. The owner was losing a lot of money. Eventually the two doctors could be seen forlornly walking back to the operator.

"Please don't tell me you got off?" asked the owner incredulously when they arrived.

"We're sorry, but we did" they said together, despondently.

"But why?…Why would you get off when I told you not to?!"

"Well…the camel slowed down at a sight…and a man came along in a Holden, wound the window down, and yelled, 'Look at the two arseholes on the camel!'…and ……… well, we couldn't resist having a look!"



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Under The Bed
Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.

Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!




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Nurse`s Revenge
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."





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