MEDICAL JOKES 5

Constipation!
An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Desire to steal!
"Mr. Jacobs," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."
"I know," Jacobs said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Sick leave
Early one morning, John, who works at the local funeral parlour, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
They rushed to the emergency room, at the local hospital, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed them that, true to their suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
John`s wife turned to John and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral parlour now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma`am, he`s not THAT sick!"



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Confessions!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."
The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don`t we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I`m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I`m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can`t keep a secret..."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Dying of AIDS!!
An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, "I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live."
Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor`s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.
Darren, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t so well. I have cancer, and I`ve been given a short time to live. Let`s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Darren old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Darren told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
Darren told his friends, "I`ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Darren their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Darren`s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Darren said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don`t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I`m gone."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Nurse`s revenge
A businessman was confined to the for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. He order his nurses around as if they were his employees.
One morning the head nnurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I am sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can`t use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an half an hour, the man`s doctor came into the room. "What`s going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What`s the matter, Doctor? Haven`t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a rose!"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Misinterpretation
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn`t there some way to judge the size of a man`s equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was 2000 rupees and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."





• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~