LAW JOKES

                              Lawyer in a family

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Julie, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                           Cross-examine

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                       Safe Driving!

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award. Congratulations, what do you think you're going to do with the prize money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"



• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                   Alligator Woes

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl under a car and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the s*** out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the s*** out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                        False Analogy

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."

The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"

"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                      Broken Arm

 

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.

The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it."

The first doctor asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?"

The second medic answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                               Gold Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.

"For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"

"What?" exclaimed the Judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "he knew exactly where it was."




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                           Lawyer's Secretary
 

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.

Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                                 Defamation Case

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?"

The Judge said that was accurate.

"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked.

The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.

The man then looked Miss Stuart directly in the eye and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"




• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHEIKDR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~