DRUNKEN JOKES 2

                                                 Heavy Drinker

One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Chandigarh and asked the bartender, "What all do you have".

Bartender, "We have whiskey, rum, vodka, gin, beer..."

Lord Shiva, "Let's try whiskey first, give me five bottles of whiskey."

After having five bottles of whiskey, Lord shiva decided to try Rum.

Bartender was shocked, "Who is this man, after having five bottles of whisky and he is still on his feet."

After having five bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having fourty bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.

Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him, "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having four glasses of whiseky, and you've almost had fifty bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you???"

Lord Shiva, "Vats, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain."

Bartender, "AB CHADHI ISKO!!!"

                                               Extra Large

A guy walks into a Texas bar and orders a small glass beer. When the bartender comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.

Bartender says, "That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big."

Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The guy says that he only ordered a small steak.

The waitress says, "Son, everything is big in Texas.

After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into a pool. He returns to the bar soaking wet.

"What in Hell happened to you?" asks the barkeep.

"Oh man, I fell in the damn toilet!"

                                              Big Booze

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

                                   Wine knowledge

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Joe decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Joe berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North Coast Vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Joe was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Joe sipped at the drunk's glass.

"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.

"That's exactly right," said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

                                               Judgment

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"

The man said, "Here and there."

The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man said, "This and that."

The judge then said, "Take him away."

The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"

The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."

                                           Believe me!

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Johne home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't you believe me???!!!"

                                     Drinking problem

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

                                             Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

                                           Rainy night

Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar. It was after eleven o'clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home. With the weather as bad as it was, he soon became lost, and found himself wandering through the town Cemetery. He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much to handle, and he couldn't manage to climb out.
"Help!" he cried out. "Help! I'm so cold!"
A little while later, another over indulged inebriant left the bar. As luck would have it, the second man was nearby when he heard Joe cry.
"Help, I'm so cold!" Joe continued to call.
The other man staggered in the direction of the voice. It got louder and louder as he neared the cemetery.
"Help! I'm cold! Help! I'm cold!"
The second man followed the voice and approached the grave. As he peered over the side, Joe looked up and yelled one more time, "Help! I'm cold!"
"Of course you're cold, replied the second drunk, peering down."You've kicked off all your dirt."

                                         Inheritance!

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me 25,00,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me 50,00,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me 10,00,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single rupee!"