Make the Whole Country Happy
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
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Medical Miracles
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
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Bush Vs. Gore
The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
However, they disagreed on the details ...
The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Amercians with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.
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Spelling Problems
Dubya wanted to order a care packages for his daughter away at college. The receptionist told Dubya that she would have them delivered to her office right away.
"Where does she live?" asked the operator.
Dubya replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Dubya said, "How 'bout you deliver it to Oak Street and I'll let her pick it up there?
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Voted For Bush?
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
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Young George Bush Drinking
George W Bush, back when he was a "drinking man", walked into a bar.
He ordered five beers and drank them all down.
He then ordered four beers and proceeded to drink them as well.
With a confused look on his face, he stared down at the empty beer bottles in front of him.
He ordered another three beers and finished them of as before.
Now he looked really confused.
Looking around in bewilderment, he cautiously ordered another two.
The bartender, curious at the young George W's confusion asked him what was the matter, to which George W replied 'I don't know what's going on but, the less beers I drink, the more drunk I get'.
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Some people are stupid
George W. Bush and his mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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Bush on a School Tour
On a tour US President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak. Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of the classroom.
When they came back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions. This time Joey rises to speak. Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Little Bob?
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George Bush's Lie Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'So where's George Bush's clock?' asked the man.
'Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
.
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The Gold Urinal
Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.
But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed in your Saxophone.
Past U.S. Presidents & hurricanes
President: Nixon
Danger: Category-5 Hurricane Camille (August 1969)
Area: About the same area as that affected by Katrina
Response: Nixon prepared the National Guard in advance, ordering rescue ships from Tampa, FL and Houston, TX to stand waiting along with over a thousand regular military, 24+ helicopters to assist the Coast Guard and National Guard about as soon as the hurricane passed.
President: Bush the Elder
Danger: Hurricane Andrew (August 92)
Area: Florida
Response: In the middle of a re-election campaign, Bush ceased campaigning the day before the hurricane, went to Washington, and assembled one of the largest military forces ever mustered on U.S. soil. Seven thousand National Guard and 22,000 regular military were sent in with the necessary equipment shortly after the hurricane passed through.
President: Clinton
Danger: Category-3 Hurricane Floyd (September 1999)
Area: Virginia and Carolinas
Response: Meeting with China's president Jiang in New Zealand, Clinton immediately declared the hurricane-affected areas as federal disasters, allowing the military and National Guard to move in and help. Clinton flew home immediately, one day before the hurricane hit, to help coordinate the rescue.
President: Bush the Lesser
Danger: Category-5 Hurricane Katrina (August 2005)
Area: Gulf Coast
Response: National Guard troops are down about 8,000 members because they are in Iraq with much of the necessary rescue equipment needed. Bush was on vacation, riding his bike for two hours the day before the hurricane lands. On the day Katrina landed, Bush attended a birthday party for John McCain. The levees began to crack. While emergency 1.5-ton sandbags were ready to be placed to steady the levee and absorb water, there were insufficient numbers of helicopters and pilots to set them before the levees break. Nagin, the mayor of NO, pleaded for federal-level assistance and got none. Bush went to San Diego to play guitar with a country singer and end his vacation early -- but not until the next day, because he had tickets to a San Diego Padres game.
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