LAW JOKES 3

                                          Lawyers` luck?

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
"But there`s a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.



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                             Hijackers deamands!

An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked.

The terrorists threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.



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                               Unusual Defense !!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.



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             Things law enforcement officials say:

The handcuffs are tight because they`re new. They`ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.

Take your hands off the car, and I`ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

Remember, when you gotta cuff `em ..nobody is your friend.

If you run, you`ll only go to jail tired.

Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?(if you aren`t a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).

So, you don`t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don`t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I`m warning you not to do that again or I`ll give you another ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?

God made tomorrow for the crooks we don`t catch today.

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf.

In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

In God we trust, all others are suspects.

Just how big were those two beers?

No sir, we don`t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we`re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

Law enforcement is not a spectator sport.

I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center.

I`m glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail



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                            Robbing the robbers!

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer`s club by mistake.
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain`t so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"



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                                    Beautiful?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You`re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You`re cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
Lawyer said “The drugs are wearing off!”



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                                   Presence of mind!

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don`t have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"




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                                      Lawyer in Heaven!

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn`t find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn`t find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.
"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.
"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.
"Well, Saint Peter missed that man`s name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they`re on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!
"I`ll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He`s put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.
"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don`t send that engineer back right away I believe I`ll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!
"And just where do you think you`ll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!



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                                 Two in one grave!

, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
`Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.`"



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                                     A matter of trust!

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.



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                                      Room in Hell !

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil`s hands.
"You will be spending eternity here, but I`ll let you pick your own room from three I`ll show you," the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don`t like that," said the man. "Show me the second."
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that`s better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."
In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.
"I`ll choose this room," he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out,
"O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads."



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